After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
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If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS