ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Barbie gone wild
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
crazy
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.