Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
No, he would not have.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old