in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.