[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground