Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
You Might Also Like
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI