Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
You Might Also Like
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Happy Friday
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me