I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.