“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s