GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Ken is short for chicken
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]