I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
You Might Also Like
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
No regrets in 2018
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I’m ready for Halloween this year