“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
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My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
#Caturday
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?