“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.