*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.