Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening