If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
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left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I didn’t realize that was an option
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts