Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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meow
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?