“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Care for your back
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?