Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
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My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend