Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
You Might Also Like
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND