Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My boss called in sick of me
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.