My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
WWE is French for “yes”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders