ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
What a year we’ve had this week.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.