I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
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Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now