40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
mathematically impossible
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?