Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
we all know this pain all too well
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing