Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh