ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
You Might Also Like
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
#Caturday