bro what is going on at twitter
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me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”