[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
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Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”