According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.