Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.