His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
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[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Lmao 🤣
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?