Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
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Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.