Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Perfect
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose