“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.