Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?