I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
You Might Also Like
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?