I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.