Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Who chose this font
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.