Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Super Hand Dog Face
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Friday night party time 🥳
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.