“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.