Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Mmmm canned fish.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too