*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.