My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Go girl power!
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.