My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
You Might Also Like
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man