Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
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Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Just ordered me some pizza!
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.