Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
No. He’s not coming out to play
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*