WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’d love this…lol
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”