The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
You Might Also Like
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no